Getting the Balance Right.
Thinking about the initial stages of when you find someone you want to date, (either the phase of ‘pre-dating (courtship)’ and/or the beginning of actually ‘dating’), trying to build-up/maintain the friendship side of a new relationship as well dealing with the intimate/romantic side can prove to be quite difficult.
Not wanting it to be like a lop-sided see-saw (the top see-saw in the above picture), whereby the passion and intimacy for one another is sky high but the friendship is not built up properly or you’re possibly neglecting the proper process of the whole, “getting to know you (on a deeper level)” stage.
Wanting our partner to be first and foremost, our ‘best friend’ can sometimes be quite hard to do effectively when you have romantic feelings for them. It is so easy to get caught up in all the ‘lovey-dovey’ stuff, so staying mindful of how to build a a proper friendship is crucial.
However, this may mean having to spend less time with one another, not just for the sake of attempting to keep some self-control over being intimate but also to get used to the consistency of not being able to spend so much time together throughout your relationship as it begins to develop.
I was dating this guy who was initially an acquaintance, however, once we decided to date we spent more and more time in each other’s company. As we were heavily attracted to one another it was hard to just sit down and talk and for me to really spend time finding out about his thoughts, values, likes and dislikes, the things that made him ‘him’. As we spent more time together, the times we were apart left me craving his closeness as opposed to truly missing his personality and friendship. I found that because I spent so much time with him, being around him soon became what I enjoyed the most about him and as that was my greatest source of comfort; I desired that to be a constant but when it wasn’t I found I didn’t know what to do with myself, my thoughts were constantly about him and I wasted so much time where I could have been doing something productive, I wanted time to pass so I could be in his presence again. I realised this was largely unhealthy.
They’ll be times when you’ll have to be apart from one another so although it’s important to be interdependent, we have to be careful that we don’t become totally dependant on the other person, especially when we’re just at the beginning of getting to know each other.
Instead, spending more time talking – gaining an insight into each other’s character traits, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, relationships with others, morals and values, etc. to see whether or not you are a compatible couple and if you will last. Otherwise it could just increase the likelihood that intimacy will take over, you become trapped in a relationship that isn’t producing anything good or even anything at all and there’s no growth or compatibility between you two but you find hard to end it because of the feelings you have for that person; which isn’t really based on anything except perhaps the intimacy you both once shared. You wouldn’t class them as a friend, and had you not had those feelings, they probably wouldn’t be a part of your life at all.
As with the guy I shared above, spending all that time being mainly intimate with him, we didn’t talk much at all about what we liked, what we wanted etc. It was all mainly about how we ‘felt’ all the time. I never really got to truly ‘know’ him, didn’t meet his friends, didn’t see him in different situations and so I would say that he wasn’t actually a friend. Everything I knew of him was surface. I don’t even think I knew his mum’s name and we dated for 6 months! After we eventually realised that we wanted different things and that we didn’t really actually get along; our attitudes towards issues differed greatly – basically we weren’t compatible – it was hard to let go; simply because of the ‘feelings’ I had for him which were based on emotion and the way he made me ‘feel’ when I was in him company. I desired those feelings more than anything and so even though I knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, I still wanted him there. I found it hard to let him go even though I knew it had to be done. We weren’t growing together so we were basically wasting one another’s time. Had I more spent time in the beginning learning about his views and his ambitions for the future, as opposed to simply getting more and more emotionally fixated on him, I may have realised sooner that it wouldn’t work out my fixation wouldn’t have had a chance to develop and so it would have been easier to walk away. Having this mindset with relationships that followed, saved me the disaster of wasting time and suffering another ‘heartbreak’.
Closing the door to intimacy, as hard as it often is especially when the attraction, passion and desire to be with that person is so strong, sometimes helps keep our minds pure in a sense of being able to see the person for who he/she really is – taking off the ‘rose-tinted spectacles’.
Creating boundaries of space, between personal space and time spent together, helps keep control over our own thoughts and feelings regarding that person we’re seeing.
There needs to be a time for:
A) Talking – (speaking and listening to one another, learning one another’s character and personality traits, mindsets, views and feelings).
B) Seeing each other – (spending time in each other’s company, intimacy (not necessarily sexual). That closeness is essential is developing and maintaining a connection.
And
C) Alone time – (to reflect on things, by yourself. So you can see where it is you’re at in terms of your feelings, thoughts, wants, likes, dislikes, time to pray about it, questioning things and seeking direction; just taking a step back from the situation to analyse and see if things need adjustment or not).
Your head and your heart are meant to be used in conjunction with one another. So, in your time of reflection if you feel as though one of the three things needs more attention or time than the others then you can talk about ways to make changes, i.e. if things are moving either too slow or too fast. Making sure to do all three, not neglecting any. The time given to A), B) & C) doesn’t necessarily have to balance out, it probably won’t in fact, but they all do need to happen in order to develop; patience, understanding, self-control, true love and peace. ❤
Chrisscribe 